holy fuck we have our windows open and we heard a blood curling scream so naturally I went to look out the window because wow is someone getting stabbed?? and it is just my neighbour on his knees staring at a KFC chicken bucket spilt all over his driveway
(Fuente: tansma, vía twilightmaze)
"I gave so much to someone who never appreciated it."
My kind of comedy
Funny story about Bill Nye: so a friend of mine back in Ottawa was at the Science and Tech Museum, and she didn’t know it, but apparently Bill Nye was guest appearing there that day. So she is waiting for the elevator and this guy walks up beside her to wait for it, too. She turns and looks at him and immediately recognizes him. Completely forgetting that she’s a grown adult, she points at him and exclaims, “BILL NYE!” He glances at her and gives her this really fucking weird look, and she thinks, Oh fuck, I completely just embarrassed myself in front of Bill Nye and now he probably thinks I’m some creepy stalker or something. So the elevator doors open and he walks in, and she’s just too stunned and mortified to get in behind him; she just stands there, staring. He’s in the elevator, alone, with his back to her.
Just as the doors are closing, he whips around, points at her, and shouts, “SCIENCE!” and then the doors close.
So I walked into the dentist this morning. My dentist asked me how my weekend was. I said “Good, I watched Captain America last night. I really liked it.” And my dentist says “Oh, my son is in that movie.” At first I thought he was joking but then I realized
Dr. Robert Evans
I looked it up
My dentist is Captain America’s dad
My doctor is JK Rowling’s husband.
JK Rowling’s husband has asked me if I am sexually active.